Auntie Nosebag’s Astrology Sun Signs

Auntie Nosebag’s Sun Signs of the Zodiac

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Auntie Nosebag, “It’s the truth darling.”

Aries:You really are the goo goo gaa gaa baby of the zodiac and darling you need to get a grip on life and get rid of your pacifier already. You often tend to bump your head on things but don’t worry, just a dab of makeup can cover anything. Young Aries men think they’re “it” but believe you me, your just letting off gas in the heavens. Try to learn some humility in life, as you can’t always run the show even though you’d like to. Remember red is your color, so for good luck at least put something on that’s red, even underwear. Aries gets along with Leo and Sagittarius, (someone has to).
Taurus:You are the banker of the zodiac and you’re so tight your tush squeaks. You have a green thumb unless adversely affected and then it’s brown baby! Hard working you can make it to the top or at least marry a rich man. Taurus’s have to have a plot of soil to putter around in or they get cranky: try using prunes dear. Tauruses get along with Virgo and Capricorns.
Gemini:Can’t stop blabbing can you, the radio announcer of the zodiac. Geminis enjoy changing their personal image three times a day. The one good thing about Gemini the twins is that they are great multi-taskers! Gemini women in order to make a good impression on a date, try super gluing your big mouth shut and your best bet would be to date a Libra or Aquarius.
Cancer:So sensitive I’m a bit afraid to write about you, but you get along with Scorpio( the vampire) and Pisces(old fish lips). You love to dabble in photography and enjoy spending your brother’s pocket money. If badly effected you may need liposuction darling, sometime in the future, if you have that man-in-the-moon face crabs sometimes have. But don’t worry, you have a terrific knack for making money: just save up.
Leo:The Ham of the zodiac always wanting to be the center of attention don’t ya!The teacher, the actor, of the zodiac. The proverbial teller of really stupid jokes if badly effected you really need to watch yourself when it comes to overindulging on sweets….but never mind, just invest in a good girdle chubby. Leo women were born to rule in the family…unless married to another Leo and then you’ll just have a cat fight. The Big Cat gets along best with Aries the baby and Sagittarius the pervert.
Virgo:The celestial goodie two shoes aren’t you…enjoys wearing those smart slim belts unless badly effected and you tend to gain weight. Your occupation was the ever efficient librarian or secretary. Males enjoy staying bachelors (it’s just an excuse darling) unless an unusual aspect at birth. You are very cheap, some may call this frugal but I like to call it the way it is darling: squeeze a nickle so hard the buffalo screams. You are best attached to Taurus the Tank and Capricorn: Money-bags, at least someone likes you.
Libra:The scales, you always enjoy arguing and taking the other viewpoint. You are usually the boss behind the boss, but you rule in subtlety behind your dimpled smile. Always the picture straightener, give it a rest will you. Your home will always be artistic and balanced. Your occupation is the lawyer which is too bad as everyone hates you. You get along with those dip heads Gemini and Aquarius, no accounting for taste.
Scorpio:The Dracula of the heavens! Vampires are really popular now that Pluto is aspected with Hollywood so you’re in luck baby. Scorpio woman: the one you really don’t want to cross at the office darling unless she’s in a good mood (so Claire you better watch your back). She will always remember Mary Elizabeth who pushed her on the play ground in kindergarten and left a tiny scar on her elbow till the day she dies. She’s a fierce mother so teachers be tactful when discussing little Phyllis’s tendency to misbehave at the Parent/Teacher conference. The Scorpio man enjoys wearing sunglasses as he’s secretive about his hypnotic eyes and gets along best with Cancer and Pisces.
Sagittarius:Sagittarius males: all you want is sex and it gets really boring darling. You are the Policeman of the zodiac. Sagittarius women are outspoken and will never lie to you about your obesity or lack of financial skills. For those of you who married one: you picked him honey so don’t complain to your friends when he spends all your hard earned money on some idiot scheme or decides to move to Antarctica to study Penguins. Unfortunately they often have such a big mouth they really don’t know why their loved ones are too embarrassed to be in public with them: try being more tactful. You will best get along with those fools Aries and Leo as they are the only ones that can deal with it.
Capricorn:Moneybags, you are the goat that climbs to the top of the mountain in life. You prefer low key colors like black, black and black and are studious and often marry for money (sickening) the gold digger of the zodiac dearie. High finance for this puppy, a Virgo may decide to forgo bachelorhood to marry you, and you also get along with Taurus the Tank.
Aquarius:The absent minded professor who forgot he was married and left his bride crying at the honeymoon-sweet and went off to visit the museum. You think you know it all in life but dear you lack real depth in any one subject: the Jack of all Trades. When you go on a date with a sensitive nosed Libra use breath mints dear or he will leave you after excusing himself to use the Men’s room. You get along with Gemini-two-heads or Libra.
Pisces:Oh my, if badly effected you can become the trailer trash of the zodiac so my dear take a tip from me and have a vocation in life. Pisces is very creative and talented so stop whining and stay away from alcohol, it’s really just camel pee. You can be the greatest star in the heavens with your gorgeous baby blue eyes, or green or mystical orbs or you know….you could also fall on your tush. Pisces have unusual shaped feet, like flippers and appear to be swimming when they walk. You are too overly sensitive so stuff it with a kleen-x baby, you get along with Cancer the Crabby pants and Tetchy Scorpio.
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