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כ״א אדר א’ ה׳ תשע״א – Friday 25 February 2011

Crystal Ball

Astrology25-2-2011

Hello everyone, so glad to be here…..I have had some interesting responses to my column and my therapist has suggested taking a different track with you all. This month seems to be challenging to most of you out there with a few exceptions. Good luck people. I highly recommend anti depressants for any of you out there that find life overwhelming…..

Aries: Mercury in Aries will involve lots of communication with people…increased opportunities with love and money. Possible overindulgence with chocolate so be careful how your mouth is used this month.
Taurus: New Moon is sextile with Taurus bringing energy and creative self confidence and energy levels…overwhelming…don’t forget to pick up your pay check.
Gemini: New Moon square Gemini brings challenges from those that surround you…think of it as a test. Mercury sextile Gemini means smooth over these challenges Venus trine Gemini brings peace…so you will have a crisis, argue, then overcome it and be at peace. That worked out didn’t it.
Cancer: New Moon trine Cancer, harmony in everything. Mars trine Cancer, causes great energy levels…Mercury square cancer increased mental activity which will make you nervous and trouble talking. You will be energetic with great mental actions then it will cause trouble with communications.
Leo: Mercury trine Leo is favorable and harmonious you can get work done…Venus opposite Leo means lose of discipline and overindulgence and borrowing money. So you are in harmony but then you lack discipline and you lose it…oh well.
Virgo: New Moon opposite Virgo, problems dealing with those around you. Mars opposite Virgo unbalanced energy of frustration and anger. So all in all a great month to pick your battles verses losing it around you.
Libra: Mercury opposite Libra means conflict and tension. People may find you annoying. Venus trine Libra will give you harmony therefore you will be annoying but harmonious in all that you do.
Scorpio: Mars trine Scorpio will increase in energy levels and confidence and attractiveness. New Moon trine Scorpio you will be harmonious …Everything will work out. So you will be confident in all your activities…lucky you, But you will have a shift in conciousness.
Sagittarius: New Moon square, crisis and tests around you, lots of arguing. Mercury trine Sagittarius thoughts in harmony with intentions….your mind flows well. Therefore you will argue a lot but it will be clear and you’ll enjoy it. Try writing a journal.
Capricorn: Mars sextile Capricorn, self confidence and energy levels go for the gusto. New Moon sextile Capricorn, creative personal expression, you will be confident and you will be creatively expressive so be humorous about it.
Aquarius: Venus in Aquarius full expression of love and creativity. You feel beautiful. Mercury sextile Aquarius increases mental activity…debating and public speaking are favored. So you will be creatively loved by debating in public…you are evolving.
Pisces: New Moon in Pisces time for new beginnings and New Year’s resolutions and boost of vitality. Mars in Pisces, boost in ego and assertiveness…you may argue and have conflicts…channel your energies in constructive ways. So you can make a new resolution to express yourself but not by too much expression. Be imaginative.

כ״ה שבט ה׳ תשע״א – Saturday 29 January 2011

Auntie Nosebag’s Astrology Aspects

 

Auntie Nosebag

Astrology29-1-2010

The Planets are in Aspect darling, when they are in a certain distance from each other in terms of degrees of space. The Zodiac is a circle divided into 12 signs (not 13 sweetheart) through which each planet travels from west to east.

Aspects are angles between the planets which foretells about energies (bodily and philosophically) generated by each planet in the house occupied. Do you have all that sweetheart? Each house governs a different area in your life, or even body part.

Some aspects are harmonious while others are parasitic and you will need a bit of gumption to overcome.

February 2011

Darlings, there is going to be a lot of people pushing at you in the grocery store lines this next few weeks as Mars the planet of war starts off with a new moon. Again aggravation with communications may have you wanting to elbow that b word in line so take some deep breaths baby, especially Scorpio dear keep the stinger to yourself for 3 weeks. Perhaps you may consider home delivery for your groceries.

Aries

With the new moon sextile, Aries women may be susceptible to wolfish type men on the bus lines, but if you haven’t had a date in a while: this may be a perk. Your goals are likely to be accomplished and this is a good time to finish that macrame plant holder you started last July for Uncle Nesbit’s birthday. With Mercury sextile, this month you may find yourself banging into doorways and tripping over your own feet: try on line courses for school it’s so much safer dear.

Taurus

The New moon is square with Taurus which can represent incontinence during a possible job interview you have on February 3rd. May I suggest wearing depends or else postpone til later in the month. You also may feel pressure from authority figures as well as pustules in your privates, all I can say is try to keep that red flag from fluttering in your face dear…..torro torro.

Gemini

The moon is trine with Gemini which is harmonious creating a false sense of inner calm causing you to blather on and on without opposition on the horizon with the nearest Aquarius near you. This is a good time to check all those nasty messages you’ve collected this past month in your emails when you were going through menopausal hot flashes and insulting your friend’s pets.

Cancer

Venus opposite Cancer this month increases personal neediness and you may become overindulgent when you visit Mom and have to many French fried onion rings which gives you gas. This may be disastrous if you brought your new partner home to meet the folks hoping he will pop the question, make sure you don’t pop your waistband instead dear. Make sure your partner to be is up to your regular standards and not a lazy, dependent flake with dimples.

Leo

New moon is opposite Leo which can be hard on your oversized big headed ego…Everything may come to a head as tension and conflict may cause hardening of the stools: perhaps using Metamucil and drinking orange juice with pulp may help. This is a time you may need to step back and consider apologizing to Auntie Myrtle after you told her she was an old hag six months ago to reduce bad karma ,dear.

Virgo

Venus trine with Virgo this month makes everything go with the flow, this may be a good time for a colon cleanse dear. In the second week try making cousin Carol’s carrot cake recipe for this week’s important dinner guests you invited. But be careful, and don’t wear your tiny belt as it may be too tight after dessert.

Libra

Mercury and the new moon are in trine with Libra! Lucky you, harmony and balance are with you in all that you do -but wait! Now is a good time to clean up under your bed darling, I see dust bunnies by the ton darling in my crystal orb. After three weeks you may find you can’t seem to make up your mind about anything dear, so engage one of your gaseous air-bag friends: either Aquarius or Gemini to help you out. If the gas is too much for your Libra nose try aromatherapy of rose oil to help.

Scorpio

Mercury square Scorpio may add tension and a need to gossip about Claire at the office, but Christy, calm yourself dear and have some prunes in the morning. Don’t stir up trouble in your life by flinging your stinger around. Just remember now is not the time to make your move to get even, but we know you haven’t given up darling. Scorpio males don’t forget to take your zinc supplements this month to waylay prostrate problems.

Sagittarius

Mercury sextile with Sagittarius….you would be sextile…this month increases your cerebral energies so forgo that extra cup of cappuccino at the office dear….we don’t want potential energies of diuretic proportions. The New moon may exhilarate your liver too much so try to postpone that separation you’ve been planning with your partner and wait til you can think clearly…..(which may be hoping for too much, darling). You are the life of the party, but irritate those who are more responsible around you, so put a lid on it.

Capricorn

Venus in Capricorn this month may cause old moneybags to forget yourself, you may find yourself taking your partner out on a date and not insisting on going Dutch treat. This may be a good time for plastic surgery on that boil on your left nostril dear. Don’t let Venus make you forget to pay your employees.

Aquarius

New moon in Aquarius which means those New Year’s resolutions you wrote to yourself , you need to look for them in that top drawer in the kitchen and face them. You need to actually put one foot in front of the other in getting started, perhaps electroshock could help. Mercury will bring mental alertness in your life, that’s good news considering what a one for zoning out you are.

Pisces

Venus sextile Pisces this month increases opportunities in putting anti-fungal cream on those slippery flippers of yours. This month will find you attracting chocolate and money, but remember dear, too much chocolate can cause those extra pimples. Try using a mud facial. In consolation, remember that money is always the right size, color and never needs to be exchanged, when it comes . Be careful your need for the dreamworld doesn’t change to escapism, may I suggest you try a colon cleanse ,dear.

כ״ב שבט ה׳ תשע״א – Thursday 27 January 2011

Auntie-Nosebag

 

Aries: Are you confused? Don’t worry, it’s only Jupiter spinning your wheel of fortune this week. Ask yourself if you really need that expensive coffee mocha in your life or can you get by with some instant coffee with soy milk instead. Remember when distracted just focus on one task at a time or wear horse blinders at the office.
Taurus: I know you tend to be stubborn but this week, it’s your week to take a chance and take up bungee diving the next time you fly in a balloon. Be the life at the party and go ahead, swallow that wiggly goldfish!
Gemini: This week is your week to go ahead and blab your little heart out. You know you’re a bigmouth obnoxious person so go ahead and let the world see you for who you really are. Don’t forget to take that class in sign language to boost non verbal skills. People may think you’re ethnic but who cares, maybe you really are.
Cancer: This week is one for getting an appointment with an therapist dear, as Jupiter goes through your sign you may be tempted to just chuck it and jump in a city fountain…but don’t. Just help someone less fortunate than yourself and this will empower you. This is a good time to go swimming or take a bubble bath…at the very least light a candle in the shower and blow bubbles for a perk.
Leo: This week mars the planet of power is passing gas, you may need to take a charcoal tab supplement while this lasts especially on that very important date you’re planning this Saturday night. Remember to try a little house cleaning and stop shopping in your sister’s closet to obtain tranquility. Remember that the majestic Leo never wears another’s clothing but must retain their own autonomy.
Virgo: You may want to switch internet providers this month…don’t get discouraged, just spend some time at your local library and try camomile tea to unjangle the nerves I see in your future. Remember just because you are paranoid doesn’t mean none is out to get you.
Libra: Try to have a balanced mind this week, have some green tea with that fudge brownie the next time you find yourself arguing with your sister. Remember to really win that argument just say something that is off the wall and place your adversary off kilter.
Scorpio: Find yourself angry this week that you can’t make yourself understood? Don’t get mad, get even I say…but nothing nasty as this will leave karmic reaction that can bite back. Just leave a cheeseball in your boss’s car’s hood on Friday afternoon and keep a poker-face.
Ophiuchus (13thsign):th leap month that happens nine times out of seventeen years. You won’t have to worry about birthdays and aging since basically you will celebrate one half your years anyway. Or say, just chuck it all and become a doctor!
Sagittarius: Jupiter and Venus have brought you good luck….however since you may be unemployed I suggest dear that you refrain from the gambling urge….But you can still have fun, try mahjong on the computer and walk on a ruff carpet on a windy day and touch the door knob.
Capricorn: This week I want you to buy a kaleidoscope and see the world in a new light. Try taking health food cooking class in order to save money instead of eating out at restaurants and remember to see the glass half empty so you don’t take any unnecessary risks. And call your Mother once in a while.
Aquarius: For you, it’s alright to take that plunge off the pier and take a chance. You seem to be stuck in the mud lately and it’s bad for the complexion, this is due to Mars influence over your water bottles so just buy French spring bottled water for the duration of the month. This way you can pretend you can be on that expensive vacation you can’t afford and practice your French.
Pisces: If you are gentle with your psyche this week you can ignore your vulnerability over the pimple on your chin. Fall back into the Aquarius horoscope and use her mud facial to suck all the heightened awareness away….we don’t want too much of that now do we? Don’t have a fight with your sister who is shopping out of your closet this week, just have a heart to heart conversation to get through. Remember dear that out of all the zodiac signs, yours is the most enlightened and forgive her as she’s only a foolish Leo.
Astrology24-1-2010